5 Ways to Marie Kondo Your Dating Life: How to tidy up your love life KonMari style

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You’ve likely heard of Marie Kond’s bestselling book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, or watched her hit show on Netflix, ‘Tidying Up With Marie Kondo” all about how to declutter your home—basically by touching all of your items to see if they spark joy, and if not, thanking them for their service and saying goodbye, then rehoming all of your remaining items in a visible, organized fashion—but you probably haven’t heard of tidying up your dating life! With the ease and addiction of online dating, and the grass is greener dating mentality nowadays, it’s easy to be overwhelmed with dating decisions. Below are 5 ways to KonMarie your dating life!

 1. Identify your core values and deal breakers before dating.

This will help you stay on track and give you a guideline for dating so that you’re not wasting your time and precious emotional energy, and cluttering up your love life with dating duds. Core values reflect what’s most important to you and influence your lifestyle and life goals, such as your political or religious beliefs, how you manage your money, whether or not you want children, your values pertaining to your physical health, causes or charities that you’re passionate about, and work-life balance.  Your deal breakers should be based on your core values, not superficial qualities such as height and hair color. When you don’t have firm deal breakers, you will likely wind up resentful in a relationship because you will compromise too much on what’s most important to you. As you become a more experienced dater and go through different life stages, you may discover that some of your core values shift, or become more or less of a priority, so dating with intent means constantly reflecting and being an expert on yourself.

2. Only include info in your profile that brings you joy. 

This is your chance to make the best first impression possible, so there’s no room for negativity when you’re creating your profile, especially since many of the apps limit you to between 150 to 500 characters. Say goodbye to self-deprecating comments or a list of picky partner requirements that make you seem high maintenance. Highlight the things you love about yourself, your passions, hobbies, accomplishments, and qualities that make you unique.  If you don’t smile when writing about it, delete it! Choose headshots and full body images that bring your personality to life, such as at a charity ball if you’re big into volunteering or sitting behind a stack of gourmet pancakes if you’re a foodie.  Pick activity photos, such as skiing or crossing the finish line of a marathon, that make it easy for someone to message you about your interests.   

3. Commit to messaging everyone that you swipe right.

Many singles swipe out of boredom or for a confidence boost, and aren’t dating with intent to get offline and meet in person. To be more mindful of your swiping choices, make a pact with yourself to message everyone with whom you match, that way you’re not inundated with a queue that will clutter up your match list. You’re forced to pay more attention to why you’re swiping right if you know you need to strike up a convo, which means this process won’t be based on “hot or not”. Un-match and delete messages from people that aren’t bringing you joy, with whom you’re not interested in moving things forward.

4. Limit your dating rotation to a max of five people at a time. 

To prevent dating overwhelm and analysis paralysis, minimize matches to only five people. This means at any point, you’re only allowed to be matched with, messaging, texting, or going on a date with up to five people at the same time, or three if five feels like too many to manage. If your convo starts to fizzle out, you’re forced to make a choice to either ask them to meet IRL, or un-match and open a slot for a new potential love interest. This helps you be more purposeful in your decisions because at the end of the day, the dating process is about ruling someone out as a partner, or going on another date with them.

5. Out with the old, in with the new. 

To create space for new love, you have to de-clutter your physical and emotional space by limiting or removing evidence of your ex from your life. Go on a social media purge by untagging photos, changing your relationship status, and blocking or unfollowing your ex. Throw out or donate items in your house, such as their old sweatshirt, furniture you purchased together, and their toothbrush that they never need back. For items that hold significant monetary value, such as jewelry, or sentimental photos(save these to a flash drive before deleting from social media), create a small breakup box that you store out of sight, out of mind, then revisit them down the road when it’s less painful. You may be surprised by what you feel comfortable throwing away, or using again, once you’ve gotten over your ex and are falling in love with someone new!

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Don’t forget to order Samantha’s book, Breaking Up & Bouncing Back: Moving On to Create the Love Life You Deserve, which has a 5-star review on Amazon!

Breaking Up & Bouncing Back tackles heartbreak in a whole new way, using neuroscience and modern dating advice to inspire you to become a smarter dater” ~John Gray, New York Times bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

"In Breaking Up & Bouncing Back, the brilliant Samantha Burns will help you to transform your worst breakup pain into your biggest golden opportunity for growth. This book will support you to not just get through it, but to use this experience as a catalyst to thrive in life moving forward” ~Katherine Woodward Thomas, New York Times bestselling author of Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After

From happy readers:

I have personally recommended this book at least 6 times already! After a broken engagement with a man that I thought was the love of my life, I had a very heavy heart and felt sad day after day. It was recommended to me to read , “Breaking Up and Bouncing Back”. WOW, what an impact it had on me. Once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. I wasn’t even half way through reading it and my heartache went away! The book is written in a way that feels like a good friend sharing her story and giving you advice. Samantha is known as a “millennial” expert, however I am a Gen X and think her guidance is exceptional for any generation. Thank you, Samantha! Your experience and understanding helped me so much. I highly recommend this book for any woman who has gone through a break up!” ~Joyce

“This book is perfect for anyone going through a breakup no matter what the situation was. It is relatable to any age group as well! She gives sound, meaningful, unbiased advice that can be applicable to anyone’s life. It is a must read, I guarantee you will take something positive away from reading this book. There are so many ways that she explains how to cope with a breakup, how to move on and how to be a better you moving forward!” ~Laurie

“This book has been my bible through my breakup. It is so relate able, real, and raw to the experiences we go through after our heartbreak. I have found that this book has given me comfort that I am not alone and we all experience these tough times when we lose love. A must read if you are having a hard time and trying to hang on to someone.” ~Amy

“As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I am always looking for books to recommend to my patients. I’ve read this book when it was first published in June, and recently recommended it to a 50 – something-year-old patient whose husband left her for a younger woman over a year ago. While she made amazing progress in her post-break-up journey, I noticed that she still referenced her ex – husband quite frequently. I suggested she read this book, and when she came back three weeks later, her insight into both her 28-year marriage and her own needs as a single woman were remarkable. In fact, she decided she no longer needed to come to therapy. A success all around. On a personal note, I wish I had had this book 25 years ago when I went through my own very difficult divorce. As I read Ms. Burns’ suggestions, I wish that I’d had her by my side then. She is just the girlfriend we all need.” ~Joni

“What I love about this book is how comprehensive it is. It's divided into 3 parts: dealing with the breakup, learning about yourself and practicing self-love (and figuring out what kind of healthy relationship you want), and getting back out into the dating world. This is not a book that you have to sit down and read through all at one time. It has exercises. It has real-world applications. It gives practical advice and things to try. I see this as a manual for your life after a breakup. And Samantha Burns has done her research. She has an extensive bibliography in the back of the book and other books you may want to check out, depending on where you are in your life. She does use some of her own experiences, but the whole book is not based on that. She has done the work to write a book like this! I will admit that I was skeptic--how much can a book really help someone with dating? But here's the thing--she isn't really telling you what to do. First she is telling you about her experience (after a bad breakup) and how she found someone. Then she is explaining what YOU deserve and this is all based on your life, your choices, your goals, and your morals. She provides plenty of examples, and the message she makes loud and clear is: If you don't feel like someone is treating you correctly, then REALLY examine why you are settling. She also asks you to look at any hand you might have had in past breakups and ask yourself why that happened. So if anything, when you finish this book, you will love and understand yourself more and know what type of partner you are looking for. I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to really learn from past relationships and work on finding a new one that is healthy.” ~Amazon customer