Has sex become a chore in your relationship? Do you sometimes just do it to keep your partner from complaining about how long it’s been since the last time? When did sex go from passionate and kinky to boring and routine? If you’re wondering how to have a better sex life, you have come to the right place!
It’s no surprise that frequent, great sex leads to more satisfaction in relationships. But research has shown that it’s not the frequency that matters, but the motivation behind sex that is the key to having better sex life.
Motivation for sex can be broken into two categories:
1) Approach motives: These motives pursue a positive outcome. Approach reasons may be to feel closer, more connected, or to increase intimacy.
2) Avoidance motives: These motives evade a negative outcome. Avoidance reasons may be to avoid feeling guilty or prevent conflict with you partner.
Motivating reasons are equally important for both men and women! Think about it—if you have sex with your husband just so that he does not complain about how long it’s been since the last time, your enthusiasm may be lacking and he can pick up on these small non-verbal behaviors and attitude.
People who have good sex lives enjoy the sex—it’s that simple. You can have a better sex life when both you and your partner are fully invested and excited about it. In order to achieve this, you must use approach motives (remember, this means the purpose of sex is to increase intimacy, to be sexually gratified and to connect). With positive approach motives, your partner’s desire and sexual satisfaction will increase.
You may be questioning if it’s better to have sex for avoidance reasons than to not at all? Although people feel more satisfied and connected in their relationship when having sex, it’s important to be in tune with why you are having sex. If you start to notice that the answers are negative (you don’t want to feel pressure or argue about it with your partner), then this may be reflecting larger relationship issues.
If you’re not feeling emotionally connected, what non-sexual things can you do that will make you feel closer and more attracted to your partner?
- Ask yourself, “I feel turned on when…” which is different than asking what your partner does to turn you on
- Ask yourself, “I feel most connected to my partner when…” then create this situation
- Make it a priority to go on a fun, stress-free date
- Try exercising together (when you love your body, you feel more attractive)
- Take a shower or bath together
- Give each other a massage (go buy special oils and candles to set the mood)
- Venture into a sex toy shop to elicit mystery and desire
- Get dressed in something that makes you feel sexy
Remember, connecting outside of the bedroom leads to intimacy inside the bedroom. When you are feeling strong and close in your relationship, you will naturally have more approach motives and have a better sex life.